What Is an Authentic Life and How to Live One

In her celebrated work Gift From the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh writes, “The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere.” I read this again the other day and it really hit home. Being out in social settings can be totally draining for me mostly because I put on a “good face.” I don’t mean or want to do it, it’s just how I was raised. It’s likely how you were raised too. Culturally and socially we need to fit in. One of our deepest fears as humans is exile from the tribe. We are social animals and we have survived and thrived because of our ability to work together. 

What price are we paying to fit in though? Where are we hiding our truth so as not to be exiled from society? Are we overcorrecting in areas that really need us to show up as our authentic selves as opposed to getting along well with others?

There are times when it’s actually a really good idea to keep our authentic selves to ourselves. The other day I found myself yelling F***FACE at a driver in front of me. I was shocked! Sweet, kind, midwestern me felt the need to yell F***FACE out loud at another human. That was my authentic self at that moment and I’m really glad I was alone. I would never, ever scream out loud in line with other humans. Can you imagine a sweet old lady getting out her checkbook at the check out at the grocery store and I’m late for a gathering and I yell out, “Oh for god’s sake get a f***ing bank card!” That is not a useful or appropriate time for being authentic. 

Where holding back our truth is dangerous and detrimental is when being nice and polite and socially acceptable becomes the foundation for the important choices and decisions in our life. If we’re not careful we can find ourselves working in careers that we hate. We can realize that we’re married to the wrong person. We can choose to live where there are good schools and low taxes but where we also feel dead inside. 

Living this way is how we get to the place that Henry David Thoreau describes in Civil Disobedience as lives of quiet desperation:

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats.”

I am not advocating for radical honesty every day with every person but I am advocating that we have radical honesty with ourselves. When we first start working together, many of my clients tell me that they don’t know what they want or even who they are anymore. They have made so many compromises to be able to get along and fit in that their authentic selves are no longer even there. As much as I empathize with them, I know that that is not true. The fact is that they ultimately do know what they want and who they are. It’s just that they have buried their truth so deep that they don’t remember. They are afraid of what will happen if they express their truth out loud or they are afraid of the waves of discomfort that will come from wanting something that seems ungraspable. So they hold it in, and hold it in, and hold it in, until they can no longer even see or remember what it is that they are holding in. 

So how do we lead lives that do not become quietly desperate and how do we escape that state if that’s where we’ve ended up? First, we are honest with ourselves. This can feel scary but it is ESSENTIAL for living a life of meaning and joy. If you are feeling less than enthused about your life, if things have begun to feel dull or blah, or if you, like so many others, don’t know who you are or what you want anymore, then it’s time to take inventory of what the hell you truly feel on the inside. Get radically honest with yourself first. 

Here are 3 steps to begin to excavate your authentic self: 

Step one is solitude. To be able to find out who you are and what you want, you must step away from everyone else. I find this is especially true for parents. It can be really, really hard to differentiate between your desires and the needs of your family. So you gotta be alone. Go to a park. Lock yourself in your bedroom or the bathroom. Go to a hotel for a night. Do whatever it takes to find a bit of time and to be able to take up space that is only yours.  

Step two is to get radically honest with yourself. What you need to do here is let your imagination fly. Ask yourself, “If anything was possible what would I do?” If you have been very responsible for a very long time it can be very hard to imagine what is possible vs. what is practical. Imagine you have a magic wand and can make your world just as you imagine. What would you change? What would stay the same? How would you show up? What are you wearing? Where are you living? How are you spending your time? Don’t be afraid of this step and don’t hold back. Let your imagination soar. It is essential for getting back to the heart of who you are without the constraints of who you should be. Write this all down.

Step three is to make small, incremental changes towards re-becoming the person you truly are on the inside. The big fear for a lot of people is that if they are honest with who they are and what they want, then they’ll have to burn down their entire lives and start over from the ashes. This is not the case. Big changes start with small changes. Look over what you have written. Make note of what you already have that is in alignment with your truth. Then, look at some of the smaller details. What were you wearing? Could you play around with your wardrobe to show up more like how you feel on the inside? Where were you spending time? If you live in the city and you saw yourself in the country, can you take a drive out to a forest this weekend? Begin to take small, doable steps that align with who you are and pretty soon these tiny steps will add up to big change. 

What if there is a very painful truth that comes up? If, in your inventory, you find that you are sitting on a very painful truth- you no longer want to be in the relationship you are in, you have chosen the wrong profession, etc, then my advice is the same. We tell the truth and then make small, incremental steps towards what we really want. For the big things it’s important to have someone to help you go through it. This is where a coach, therapist, or a trusted friend is essential. Don’t hold your truth in but tell someone. Then get the support you need to move forward. Allow this truth to be the wind that propels your ship towards where you truly want to be. 

The payoff of radical honesty with yourself is a life that is full of passion, purpose, and joy. Allowing yourself to be truly honest about who you are and how you want to live, (with yourself first and then out in the world), will unlock doors that you never imagined could open. Opportunities will arise. Synchronicities will occur. You will wake up and take a deep breath, excited to leap out of bed and start your day. I know it sounds idealistic but it’s totally not. It’s your birthright and it’s time for you to claim it. 

If you want assistance in stepping more fully into your authentic life then click here to schedule a free consultation. It’s my greatest wish that all of us live lives that match the desires in our hearts. 

xoxo,

Carrie